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Senseless Thoughts

Drift into my paradise.

Category

Poetry

A disturbed mind’s escape.

Little Girl

T’was again the third of the fourth month
He has never ever celebrated with her.
He is too far away to even blow
The candle on the cupcake she prepared.

When she was already aware
That he was living far, far away,
She already can’t recall
The last time he was with her.

Still she prepares cupcakes and candles
And calls him to say the warmest love
How she was the one blowing out
And wishing he’d soon be back.

Many years passed and he didn’t showed
Too many years and all she had known
That his presence is slowly going away
And he drift off and maybe, forgot about her.

This little girl who longed to be with him,
This little girl cried herself to sleep.
This little girl grew up to be a tough one
‘Cause she has no one to protect her from harm.

As strong as she can be, she fought.
The battles ahead she can easily win.
And nobody dared to make her cry
Because her power lies within her smile.

But every third of the fourth month,
She’d go to the church to thank God
For all His blessings and all His guidance
That she still manages to live her life.

During those times, she’ll lose the smile
And you can see the tears in her eyes.
It was again the time to blow out the candle.
But she felt like she had blown him away.

She can’t control and tears rolled down.
And she has no hanky, she has no one.
For a day she was lost, she can’t find
The half of herself was already gone.

As much as she wants to stop herself
From thinking and crying once a year
There’s nothing she can do, she is still
Waiting for him, she’s still that little girl.

And for the years to come and more of the third,
And more of the fourth month to pass.
She will still go to church and thank God
And pray for him wherever he was.

At twenty-five, she is still lost.
She still can’t find herself.
Once a year all she wish,
Was her heart to be at peace.

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“A father holds his daughter’s hand for a short while, but holds her heart forever.”

All I Want

I lost my words.
You have all there is to say.

Then I found something to say.

And you stopped speaking.

I said enough.

You nodded.

And there it goes.

It flew up high.

It went to the skies.

Goodbye to us.

I lost my move.
You have all the will to act.

I said do it because I can’t.

And you did.

You moved away.

And I was left behind.

There you go now.

Far from where I stand.

Cold and frozen.

Wounded, in pain.

All I want is you telling me things
That secured me from within.
That I never have to fear
Because you will stay forever.

All I want is you taking action.
To keep me where I belong.
But everytime I say goodbye,
You let me go and push me away.

All I want is you to be aware,
The difference of what I say
From what I was thinking,
From what you see me doing.

All I want is you showing me
The things I used to know.
Not the things that can’t be
But the things that was before.

– K

If I Were a Boy

This goes to all boys, guys and men out there. I hope y’all think the same way as I am, as I wish I was a one of you…

If I were a boy,
   I will hug you tight, treat you right
   Give you all my love, attention and time
   You are priority, first on my list
   You will never feel alone
   I will not take you for granted
   I will make you feel loved
   Every second of our lives.

If I were a boy,
   I will understand your mood swings
   Accept your flaws and imperfections
   Lift you up from your insecurities
   And I will shower you with kisses
   Bring you lots of embraces
   I will offer you my heart
   I promise we will never be apart.

If I were a boy,
   I can be your shoulder to lean on
   I will listen to you whenever you speak
   Tap your back when you’re down
   I will be your knight
   Pull you by my side
   Tell you I’m always here
   And we’ll conquer everything.

If I were a boy,
   I’ll stay silent when you are mad
   I won’t talk when you are angry
   I will do my very best to understand
   That you are weak at times
   And I’m here to be your strength
   I will make you smile
   Let the troubles fade away.

If I were a boy,
   I will give you the best of everything
   Not because you give me your all
   But because you deserve these things
   I will not just set you aside
   I will show you how much I care
   I will do the things you want
   So you’ll stay happy with me.

If I were a boy,
   I will always be loyal and honest to you
   I might turn my head to another girl
   But I’ll say it will always be you
   I won’t cheat on you
   I will make you feel beautiful
   I am going to stay faithful
   And treat you my life.

If I were a boy,
   I will turn down temptation always
   To make you feel secured and sure
   That I will be yours as long as forever
   It might be early to say
   But I swear I will behave
   Because for me it’s only you
   It’s you I chose to be with.

If I were a boy,
   I will shower you with small presents
   Give you the simplest surprises
   I know it’s the small things that matters
   A kiss on the forehead,
   An embrace when you’re sad
   And when you feel alone,
   I will hold your hand.

If only I was a boy,
   I will do all these I wrote
   Because I know what she needs
   What she wants, what she feels
   If only I was a boy,
   I won’t hurt her feelings
   I will make her cry, yes
   But I say it’s out of happiness.

And I wish I was a boy,
   So I can make one girl be loved
   The way she deserves to be loved
   To give back what she can give
   To reciprocate all she does
   To make her believe of true love
   To make her feel she’s worthy
   Of everything there is.

Unfortunately, I wrote these because I am a girl. A girl who gave everything to a guy… a guy who gave his everything to someone else.

– K

Obscure

The wind blew her hair
Her dress dancing with it.
Her fingers interlocked
Laid on her lap.

She looked at the sky,
It was bright and blue.
She smiled.
She remembered.

Slowly she lay down
Stretched her feet
On the grass they rested
Her back comforted.

She closed her eyes
Smiling, reminscing
Thinking about good things
Planning the days.

Her mind’s enjoying
Her heart’s thumping
Loving the feeling
Thinking about him.

Then a raindrop came
And landed on her face
She opened her eyes
And saw dark clouds upon her.

The rain fell hard,
Angrily at her
While she lies on the grass
Tears streamed down.

No more, she wept
Too much she expected.
Embracing herself
She stayed there wet.

Don’t stop, she asked
Just fall down.
Let her drown.
Soon she’ll wake up.

– K

You Make Me Feel

You make me feel
A little bit of hope
Because you’ve said words
I longed to hear.

You make me feel
A little bit of confusion
Because I don’t know
If we’re going anywhere

You make me feel
A little bit of fear
That you might not
Be serious enough

When you asked me to wait
When you promised to come.

You make me feel
A little bit hesitant
Because this might
Not turn out well.

You make me feel
A little bit of mistrust
Because I have been
Hurt several times.

You make me feel
A little bit unsure
Is it just one of your
Bunch of jokes?

We’ve been friends for so long.
You might just be feeling wrong.

But despite all emotions
Overwhelming me now,
There is one thing I’m sure
About you and I.

You make me feel
So much happiness
Because the feeling
We had was mutual.

You make me feel
More and more alive
Because those years ago
We almost had our time.

You make me feel
Lighter than yesterday.
All worries before now gone
And we could’ve been.

But I know our time is yet to come.
You’ve to pay back for the kiss you’ve stolen.

– K

The Rain has Stopped

Buried in my blanket for several days,
Too lazy to get out of bed,
My mind go places I am familiar with
Wondering, remembering what to do next.

Sat up and stared at the window and out
That night, it was raining hard.
Checked my bedside clock, its 01:45,
Hugged my knees and watch the raindrops.

With eyes closed I remember everything,
The happy coversations I am missing.
The walks, the movies, our favorites
The sweet kisses from forehead to lips.

I control the deepest urge I feel
To pick my phone and send you something
That would remind you how it used to be
That now it was never the same you and me.

I remember how the pain felt like.
Stabbing the bleeding pieces of my heart.
I remember all of the anger, the hate,
The repetition of breaking my trust.

I opened the window and feel the breeze
Of the coldness of the night and the water
Bits splashing on my face and skin
I remembered how it was like that pain.

I sighed, there is no point reminiscing
When I am the only one left feeling
You’ve got a life now and I got mine too.
And I know I have moved on from you.

Yes I have and all I need is consistency
To accept the fate and live with it
That I must do it over and over again
Until the day I forget every little thing.

One day I will laugh at all my silliness
That I have put much effort for someone worthless
Of my time, of my heart, of every bit of me
That I deserve to be loved and be cared and be free.

I didn’t realize I fell into a deep sleep
Beside the open window, a bird came and chirped
I opened my eyes and was hurt by the light
The sun shines on me, so big and so bright.

The rain has stopped, the air still cold
The smell of the dew and the flowers bloom
I smiled and thought I buried the memories
While I was asleep, I erased the feelings.

The rain has stopped and so do I
I stopped embracing the littlest pain last night
And spread my arms as wide as I could
Come to me, oh love! I’m ready for you.

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– K

Dark Night

In the darkest night,
You’ll be alone.
No one to talk to
But the shadows.

You’ll wonder why,
What have you done
The people you trusted
Just let you down.

In times of great waves
Coming your way
You’ll never have anybody
With you but yourself.

And the winds will blow
And take you further
Away from people you thought
Would stay forever.

Then you’ll see
Who they really are
Why you better be
Walking alone this far.

Friends they be
Friends you thought.
Still you can trust
No one but you.

In the darkest of the night
You are alone.
Soon comes the light,
And the sorrow gone.

– For my friend who was just hurt tonight: Don’t dwell on the pain. Always remember that you are blessed, you are loved. You may feel alone tonight, it’s okay, just always remember, I may be silent, but I’ll be here for you. I promise.

– K

Just Because


Just because I smile often doesn’t mean I’m not hurt
Just because I laugh too much doesn’t mean I don’t cry
Just because everyone sees me strong doesn’t mean I’m not weak.
And just because I forgive doesn’t mean that you can let my heart break.

Just because I don’t open up doesn’t mean you will let me close my door,
I don’t know if you feel it but sometimes I  need a shoulder to cry on.
Just because I stayed silent doesn’t mean I have nothing to say,
Sometimes I opted to shut my mouth to keep the tears away.

Times are not perfect and you see me overcome all odds,
Because like a bamboo stick fighting the storm, I don’t break, I bend
But sometimes, when the world is pulling me down over and over again
I hope you would know when to reach out for my hand.

Just because I learned so much doesn’t mean I know everything.
Just because I love too much doesn’t give you the right to take advantage of me.
Because during the days and the times that I have to pretend,
I am praying that someone would notice and bring me back to myself.

Our emotions make us, they make us human, they make us feel,
But there are lots to experience, don’t just give me pain and tears.
When you teach me to build walls around through every drop of hurt,
The next time you hit me, my walls would hit you back harder than you expected.

Our thoughts define us, they give us a purpose, they give us meaning
But just because I keep them doesn’t mean I know nothing.
Sometimes it is best to not let it travel out my mouth to you
Because I’d rather you hurt me than I hurt you.

Just because I am kind doesn’t mean you can make me feel bad.
I also need your appreciation, sense of gratitude and love.
Just because I don’t hurt you doesn’t mean it is just for you to offend me.
You must learn how to treat everyone, including me, so fairly.

And just because I am this, you will always be that.
I can also be that but I don’t want to hurt you back.
So maybe you can be this, and I’ll stay the same,
And then we’ll both understand how we can shoo away the pain.

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– K

This Too Shall Pass

Time flies.
Memories are the only things left.
Broken pieces that were shattered
Are picked up to become whole again.

Like the sand in my palms,
Most of them were gone.
But a little bit still remains,
And some were dug on my skin.

Do you remember?
When you draw a heart on our names.
When you wrote a letter saying,
“I will love you forever.”

Do I still remember?
When you were at your window
Staring at the skies full of stars,
Yes, because that’s what we always do.

Memories of you and me
I guess it will always be there.
Waiting to be remembered.
But I know, this will pass.

We had unpleasant events.
Which are a part of us.
And we’ve both left each other wounded.
But this too shall pass.

I miss you.
But I don’t want to go back to you.
Because our time has ended.
Our time has passed.

We tried.
I tried.
It was your choice.
And now I’m tired.

I want to stop thinking.
I force myself to check my brakes.
But I know eventually, at the right time.
These feelings, too, shall pass.

– K

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