If you have read my blog about Revelations and Longings Part 1 and Part 2, I guess, I have to post the continuation now… the final chapter. Too early for the finale, right? But it has to end properly. AND NOW.
This is the closure to a mutual (but complicated) understanding that was never opened up to become a real relationship (yes, conclusion on my introduction).
How did that happen?
There are feelings better left unsaid. And when we try to open them up (just try), we’re screwed because automatically, expectations will follow. That’s what happened to me… to us.
So yeah, we got into twists and turns without even holding each other’s hand yet, just trying to step together and then everything fell into a maze we just can’t escape. What worried me is that, I am becoming the opposite of who I am and I don’t like it that I have to become worse than who I already was just because of a feeling I longed to feel. Mind over emotions has always been my motto. And I don’t want to enter into something unsure, I am old enough to know what’s right from wrong. He’s young, immature, and unstable…. And I like him. But I am distant. And I am still mending a broken heart. And he makes me happy. But we can’t be together.
So we talked. And I told him what he should do. He agreed. He said, “Yeah, maybe I have to focus first. Maybe, just maybe, someday, when we’re still both available, and meet each other again, maybe we could be… US.”
I answered, “Don’t you look forward to what is unsure. Don’t expect that there will be a day for us to have our own time. It might hurt you, both of us. That should not be your goal. Maybe it is better if you just don’t think about us. Focus on you. Focus on your present.”
He nodded. He held my hand, leaned his head on my shoulder (both for the first time in forever). “Sorry, I have a short shoulder,” I said. He smiled and answered, “Yeah I noticed, but it’s okay.”
We sat there, pressed each other’s palm, and let the time pass until I have to go. I bid goodbye, he walked me through the street and hugged me for the last time. We parted ways. And became, once again, strangers.
I looked back for the last time, met his gaze, we both smiled, sadness in his eyes, I waved my hand, and turned my back away from him. Until we meet again, boss.
Feelings are there to guide us what to do. They are not there to make us follow a path we don’t intend to go. I quote the famous Rich Dad’s words, DON’T THINK WITH YOUR EMOTIONS. USE YOUR EMOTIONS TO THINK. And it is applicable to every situation we encounter. We must be the master of our own feelings and not slaves. So when you think your emotions will damage yourself, your identity, your being a good person, your being wise, take control. You have the power over it. Use it.