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Senseless Thoughts

Drift into my paradise.

Month

November 2015

Dark Night

In the darkest night,
You’ll be alone.
No one to talk to
But the shadows.

You’ll wonder why,
What have you done
The people you trusted
Just let you down.

In times of great waves
Coming your way
You’ll never have anybody
With you but yourself.

And the winds will blow
And take you further
Away from people you thought
Would stay forever.

Then you’ll see
Who they really are
Why you better be
Walking alone this far.

Friends they be
Friends you thought.
Still you can trust
No one but you.

In the darkest of the night
You are alone.
Soon comes the light,
And the sorrow gone.

– For my friend who was just hurt tonight: Don’t dwell on the pain. Always remember that you are blessed, you are loved. You may feel alone tonight, it’s okay, just always remember, I may be silent, but I’ll be here for you. I promise.

– K

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The Life of a Century-Old Man

I met a hundred-and-two-year old Chinese-Singaporean elderly with his son in his late sixties. They live together in a small studio-type unit. The old man was diagnosed with a rectal tumor, which causes him to feel the urge every now and then (and I mean more than 20 times a day). And as I can see it, Uncle, the son, needed someone to talk to so I started of by asking simple questions. I asked how many siblings does he have. I never expected a story from that one question. Here it goes:

He lived all his life with the old man. He has one brother and two sisters, him being the youngest. Thirty or more years ago, Ah kong (meaning grandpa) stopped working from a barbershop and so unclr was obliged to take responsibility of everything: bills, food, needs, and the old man himself. Unfortunately, he has no permanent work, his was just an on-call service which I didn’t asked what it is because I don’t want to interrupt. He can’t speak good english but just enough for me to understand so I’ll narrate it the way I understood it:

“They [siblings] should’ve been the one taking care of him because they have permanent work and money and big flats. But they left him to me. They would give me a mere S$300.00 [total shared amount] per month, do you think it would be enough? The bills, the food, how am I going to budget that small amount? One bottle of medicine would cost me S$80.00 already, and there are other more. In Singapore, if you don’t have work, no money, you die. And believe me, you will never see one of them, even his grandchildren and great grandchildren, they never come and visit. They don’t care. Even if I want to take care of him, how would I do that? I have to work. He’ll be left here alone, he can open the door, he can go to the market alone but at what cost? He goes to the toilet frequently, he forgets some things now, he’s too old to be left alone, he might get lost, he might fall, break a bone, and get hospitalized again. Nursing homes don’t want to accept him because they say he can still walk and he’s still strong. The doctor don’t want to perform an operation because he might die. So what will I do now?”

I nodded. I feel him. I understand what he’s going through. But all I can do is to agree with him and listen to him. He never raised his voice to his father, he remained cheerful inspite of all problems he’s facing alone. He cooks for him, cleans his father’s mess and the house, do the laundry. He makes his father happy even though sometimes Ah kong forgets who he was. I know he gets hurt at that but he understood. He has extended his patience long enough. Unfotunately, he has to make a decision.

“On Monday, I will bring him to the hospital and tell the doctor to perform an operation. It doesn’t matter if he die after that, the longer he lives, the harder it will get for him. Today he’s strong. What happens if soon he becomes bedridden? It will be difficult for both of us since no one among my siblings is willing to help. It’s hard for me too. But I have to decide now.”

My personal thoughts:

Our elders, our parents, our grandparents… I grew up in a culture wherein old people lives with the family, jobless, but can sustain life through planting crops and pasturing animals. They can also survive alone even without a job. They were never a problem unless they get sick because most elders don’t have health insurances, so everything is paid by the children in cash, but that’s it. They were cherished until their deaths. They either die in the hospital because of illnesses or in the house, not in nursing homes or Home For The Aged institutions as we call it. Learning how the elders were treated here, I don’t intend to generalize though, by their family and relatives, it breaks my heart. After all they’ve done to give everything the children needed in order to survive in a high-cost-of-living country, they abandon the old people just like that. I already met several elderly people having the same situation and it pains me to see them feeling lost because they don’t know where to go when they are under their very own roof. Hearing them wishing they would rather die instead makes me want to take them away from their children who don’t care about them. But what can I do? All I can do is to pray for them. Okay, I get it. People here must work because that’s the only way they can survive. But sadly, the elders are the one being sacrificed. Is it because they’ll die soon? Is it because they are the one who needs to be fed now and they will be a waste of money and time? Is it because they are useless and jobless now? I am deeply hurt when their own children turn them down. This is not the life they wanted after all the efforts they put in providing for the family they built. They must not be treated this way first of all because they are our own blood. Secondly, they gave us the world. Finally, they forget themselves just to see us living an easy life.

I suppress the tears and the pain as I remember the century old man I loved (since my grandfathers died early)… Ah kong, who was so sweet and jolly… who gives me two thumbs up and claps for me everytime he hears me sing… who laughs and dances with me to a song he doesn’t understand… who thanks me for the very little things I do for him like pulling his seat… I’ll always remember his happy eyes looking at me when I go out to buy him food… the glow in his eyes when I come and greet him every morning… I’ll never forget the way he waves his hand eagerly when I say goodbye like he knows I’ll be coming the next day… Why does a very kind old man like him be abandoned? What has he done to deserve such treatment? I can’t understand. But that’s the way it is here. I can never change that. I look highly at uncle because no matter what happens, he tries to give everything Ah kong needs. He loves his father so much. And I hope, there would be a lot more people like him… who didn’t think about themselves just because they have a responsibility they have to carry. He’s selfless. I salute him.

I don’t know what happened to Ah kong now. I don’t wanna know. But whatever happens, I pray that Uncle made the right decision.

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Just Because


Just because I smile often doesn’t mean I’m not hurt
Just because I laugh too much doesn’t mean I don’t cry
Just because everyone sees me strong doesn’t mean I’m not weak.
And just because I forgive doesn’t mean that you can let my heart break.

Just because I don’t open up doesn’t mean you will let me close my door,
I don’t know if you feel it but sometimes I  need a shoulder to cry on.
Just because I stayed silent doesn’t mean I have nothing to say,
Sometimes I opted to shut my mouth to keep the tears away.

Times are not perfect and you see me overcome all odds,
Because like a bamboo stick fighting the storm, I don’t break, I bend
But sometimes, when the world is pulling me down over and over again
I hope you would know when to reach out for my hand.

Just because I learned so much doesn’t mean I know everything.
Just because I love too much doesn’t give you the right to take advantage of me.
Because during the days and the times that I have to pretend,
I am praying that someone would notice and bring me back to myself.

Our emotions make us, they make us human, they make us feel,
But there are lots to experience, don’t just give me pain and tears.
When you teach me to build walls around through every drop of hurt,
The next time you hit me, my walls would hit you back harder than you expected.

Our thoughts define us, they give us a purpose, they give us meaning
But just because I keep them doesn’t mean I know nothing.
Sometimes it is best to not let it travel out my mouth to you
Because I’d rather you hurt me than I hurt you.

Just because I am kind doesn’t mean you can make me feel bad.
I also need your appreciation, sense of gratitude and love.
Just because I don’t hurt you doesn’t mean it is just for you to offend me.
You must learn how to treat everyone, including me, so fairly.

And just because I am this, you will always be that.
I can also be that but I don’t want to hurt you back.
So maybe you can be this, and I’ll stay the same,
And then we’ll both understand how we can shoo away the pain.

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– K

Snapshots: The Many Faces of Sun

Whether we are starting a brand new day or ending a wonderful one, the sun’s with us. There is something in it that I just can’t resist. Maybe because it reminds me that however gloomy life is or whatever storm may come, a light will soon shine and make everything bright.

So here’s some of my snapshot collection featuring Mr. Sun. 🙂 🌄☀

Good morning greeting.

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What a beautiful blending of colors.

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Too bright to stare at.

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The dawn is breaking.

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Here it sets. A mesmerizing shot by the lake.

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Clouds playing around.

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Sunrise or sunset?

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Puffs and light.

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Deep. Yellow.

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Still shining bright behind the dark clouds.

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Sunset and long bus ride.

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Red and big.

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Are we out of the woods?

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Engulf the dark.

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Too beautiful.

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I believe that no matter how difficult life is, we must not lose hope. As long as the sun shines above us, we have a reason to fight our everyday battle and continue breathing. 😉

– K

Not To Cheat or To Cheat… Again and Again.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

That’s how the saying goes. Many of us, teenagers, young women, ladies, and mothers have been cheated upon by their partners, and yep, the group includes yours truly, I am a member of the women-who-indirectly-got-a-taste-of-other-women team.

Cheaters! WILL… NEVER… CHANGE! For crying out loud! Hah! If only words can be heard, you’ll get your eardrums ringing.

I wanna share to you how stupid I was. I have to let this out for goodness sake. I’ll die out of heart attack if I don’t. But I guess stupid people like me can change, right?

Right. So here I go:

My bestfriend (Oh yes, I fell in love with my bestfriend!) and we became together more two years ago. The honeymoon stage felt like unending, you know, gifts, crazy-in-love feeling, attention, time, effort, and all that. It changed when he transferred to a different company a year later and that’s where the problem started. He was linked to his officemate and I guess they had that mutual understanding thing even though the b**ch knows he was in a relationship back then. And then a few months later, I flew to Singapore. We fought everyday, misunderstandings and miscommunications here and there for months.

Then one night, browsing facebook, I caught them.

We broke up, I blocked him everywhere. For months, I did my best to move on. And I did! I did, I was able to. Unfortunately, his family was too attached to me and knowing his mother was having a hard time on him, I decided to talk to him. And that’s how my stupidity came in to the story. For the sake of a long-time friendship, I talked to him… I did that for his mother. And I was still willing to at least bring the friendship back (effin’ 12years). We chatted when we got time, laughed like nothing has ever happened, though he tells me he still loves me. He told me he broke up with that girl. I don’t want to believe but a part of me already believed him.

Came the news from a friend telling me that it was their anniversary and they were so sweet on Facebook (no matter how I try to block him away totally, our friends pop up just like that to tell me news about him).

No final words, I started to block him again from all means of contact. And I hope my foolishness will end here.

Never ever trust a cheater. Especially those two-timer A-holes. Don’t believe all their dramas, they’re expert with that. Ladies. Take it from me and my malfunctioning brain. I learned my lesson the hard way. So once your partner cheated, walk away, it may be hard, but you’ll get away from misery and pain forever. Someone out there is just waiting for you. You deserve the best.. not a trash.

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Eliminating the Habit of Complaining

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People, no matter how kind we are, we have this habit in our system… something that can’t easily be removed from our daily lives. We complain about small things that doesn’t please us. And we all know it is a negative vibe that would affect not just us but everything and everyone around us.

I saw this on Facebook posted by a page I can’t remember and I thought, why don’t I try? So I did.

I started the next day at 8am, I timed it just to make sure I’ll end the 24-hour challenge perfectly and completely. Twelve hours passed and I noticed I only complained twice. It is difficult, you know, but it was a good start. Four more hours passed and it became three. Before going to sleep, I told myself, “Hah! Nice start K. Now you got to do it everyday,” even though the 24-hour period is not done yet.

I woke up the next morning at 6:30am, lazy to get out off the bed, nothing new, just the usual. I did my normal routine before going to work. I went out and passed by people who normally doesn’t take a bath in the morning, and suddenly I got irritated for reasons I don’t know (knowing that I know what to expect every morning), unkind words filled my thoughts. I walked to the MRT station and to my shock, I encountered a long queue towards the tap-in machine, and this was the first time it happened to me! I cursed. Walking down the stairs, keeping myself on the left (because that’s their rule here: KEEP LEFT), and a lady going up seemed to forget their own rule. She’s going up towards me. As much as I want to keep myself on the left side, I had to step aside to give way to her, I silently got angry… Anyway, I continued walking.

Arriving at my workplace, I checked my phone to see if I’ve come late to work, it’s 8:01 am. Then realization flooded… (I hope you can read what my mind is thinking). Being good is not easy. God, You gave me the real challenge at the last hour. I never thought of that.

Now I have to do it all over again because I failed. I failed when I thought I did good. I failed when I believed too much that nothing could go wrong, my over-confidence. I failed when I think highly of myself, ending the challenge that easy? Nah. I was so wrong. I realized, it was my habit. Complaining has always been in my system and it won’t go away in just 24 hours. Now, the challenge is to make myself better everyday… until I get this complaining attitude out of me.

And so, my 24-hour period starts again… ☺

– K

Overthinker’s Struggles

Overthinkers are simply silent but their minds speak a thousand words. And most of the time, understanding them is quite challenging. Though they don’t speak their mind and you wouldn’t know what actually runs in their head, their actions betray them. So let me tell you some things about overthinkers.

1. They don’t trust anybody. Almost everybody I should say. Even their friends are silent victims of their mistrust, families not exempted. They just can’t stop their mind from doubting the slightest action those other people do or words they say.

2. Sudden flight of ideas. When you were saying something and suddenly you get lost. Like the what-were-I-talking-about-just-seconds-ago situations. They forgot too soon because their mind wandered elsewhere too fast.

3. Sleepless nights. They hardly can sleep at night because their brains work double-time when everything seems to be at peace.

4. They are paranoid. Yep. They are. No explanations needed. They have problems with trust right?

5. They see too much detail. Unnecessary details to be exact. That’s what brings them trouble and keep them safe too. So it goes either way. Why-isn’t-he-replying-he’s-online-and-our-replies-are-more-like-a-minute-gap kind of thing.

6. Indecisive. Because there are lots of things running in their head, including possibilities and options, they are most of the time unable to decide FAST because they have to think it through. Like a simple meal. Have patience with them.

7. Overlapping thoughts. They have this problem with focusing the mind into one topic. They jump from one thought to another which may sometime cause them to feel uneasy not unless they have managed to calm themselves when this happens.

8. They remember everything. Things and events are so vivid because they use all their neurons to save them all in their brain’s memory… Be it good things or the bad ones. So be careful what kind of memory you’ll give them.

9. They get lost during conversations. Because of no. 2 and no. 7, they would probably won’t be able to follow the track of what you are telling them. Some would admit they got lost and didn’t understand, some would pretend they were intently listening.

BUT…

9. When their minds get blank, it’s weird. There are times when suddenly, their minds stop. It happens. But when it does, it felt like there is something wrong with them. So they would generate something to think about just for their brains to return to its “normal” function. Weird, right?

Being an overthinker is not easy. If only they can shut their mind like how you shut your mouth, they would have done it many times, could be almost all the time. Unfortunately, they’re nonstop. And they simply have to live with it.

– K

Relationships: Reflections of a Man

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And for my heart’s satisfaction, just last night, the book I ordered arrived!

Oh my God! 😍

Reflections of a Man by Mr. Amari Soul

I’ve waited for it for almost three weeks. Why so long? This is how it happened. I made the purchase on Book Depository October 23rd. It was a Friday. And then it told me that it will be dispatched in UK in 3 business days, so yeah, I have to wait for 5 days just to get it dispatched. When it was, an email was sent to me that it was already dispatched. I got more excited. Then, I read all the information from the email and it said there that for arrival dates, there are specified times, for Singapore, it would take 5-9 business days. Oh, God, the agony of waiting again. But it’s okay. For the love of books. So I waited. On the ninth day, I got disappointed my book hasn’t arrived yet. I emailed Book Depository fast. While I was waiting for a reply, I read some FAQs about packages delayed. It says there, “check with your local post.” After a night of heartbreak, Book Depository replied asking if I have checked with the local post. Yeah, my mistake. Because I am too eager! I never tried checking with them but asking some friends, they told me it would be roughly around 3-5days. More??! More waiting?! Hah! There’s nothing I can do, anyway. Really. (shoulders fell with a deep sigh).

When I arrived home last night, I suddenly felt like going down and check the mailbox. There is this strong feeling that it is already there. Upon opening the box and seeing the brown package sitting under some advertisement papers and mails, I looked at it for several seconds with sparkling eyes like I fell inlove for the first time! I took it fast handling it with so much care and my smile plastered on my face. Oh!

When I got to my senses a few minutes after opening it, I realized how complicated ordering something online is specifically the waiting phase. But I would gladly do the process all over again for my heart’s desires. ‘Til my next order Book Depository! And I’ll be stuck reading this over and over again Mr. Amari Soul. 😍😂

Hey guys, try this! It is such a nice read especially for us, women. I definitely would advertise and recommend this book everywhere for free. 😁

K

Encounter Musicale

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The Encounter Musicale by Hope Church Singapore was conducted to call everyone to have an encounter with Jesus.

The Musicale is a combination of stories in the Bible being related to some situations in our daily lives, music, dance, outstanding performances from the artists and hosts, and a sharing of thoughts. It was fun. It was never boring. It was enlightening.

I am not a part of their church but seeing people come together to encounter Jesus is an overwhelming experience. I am glad I heed the invitation.

Here are some snapshots of the performances. I preferred watching intently and wholeheartedly than taking my phone out to catch it on video.

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Above was Your Face Sounds Familiar thing as an introduction.

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The story of a wealthy man. I forgot the Bible verse honestly.

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This was Abraham and Isaac, father and son story.

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And many more. The last part was performed by all of the artists and the song was When You Believe.

I thank my friend for this invitation. It somehow made me aware of the encounters with Jesus that I had, and ignored. So now, I’ll be more attentive to those callings. 👆

– K

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