Months have passed after the last sleepless night I had, after the last time my pillow became wet with tears, after the greatest pain I’ve ever endured, I can say that my life’s pretty much going straighter ahead, and better, aiming for my goal, looking forward.
For almost three months, I focused on loving myself, loving my family more, my friends, my new life. For those months, I would probably don’t have to deny, that you were still a part of my mind, my heart, you know you will always be a part of me. Like a wind passing across my face, like a bolt of lightning striking an innocent tree, you come into me, into my silent mind, so sudden that I feel you were just close by. You mess with my solitude, you make my silence unbearable, you never let me rest because all the pain comes back. So I have to be stronger. I said this time, I have to fight my emotions back.
And I fought back. I was plotting how I would react when I see you, how I would deal with you, how I would inject sarcasm in every word I’ll throw at you… but I was never happy. I pondered every Sunday at mass, I listened to Him, up there, I prayed, I asked Him for some guidance. I told Him my deepest pleasure of seeing you in pain, and I weakly told Him my silent want for the anger to go away. I think, he knew what I really wanted. So week after week, I noticed my heart’s becoming light, I am happier, I don’t even know why. And so I talked to Him and said, “Hey, God, you know I would like to open my heart now. Help me forgive him.”
How easy was that to say. Do you remember how a man broke my heart? The man who I loved the most? The first man whom I thought saw me as his princess? The same man who broke my mother’s heart too? You remember how I cried, right? You remember how I wished he said sorry so I could totally forgive him? You remember how long years never healed me and I was still crying over the same pain I tried to cover up my whole life. Yeah, and you promised me you won’t hurt me the way he did… but you did. For those months that I’ve been trying to live again, you never said SORRY. But I was willing to forgive you anyway. Because I was hurt deeply once and I expected a sorry before but then I opened my heart. Now the mistake was repeated to me by you, I learned to lower my expectations and let the time pass and the wound heal.
This morning I woke up with your sister’s face on my Messenger bubble. I opened it while still trying to wake my dead mind. After reading the lengthy message from you, yes from you (reaching me through your sister huh? Good idea), I smiled my natural and real smile, no pretensions. Not because the message was from you but because of the message itself. You said SORRY. I smiled because at long last I was freed! At long last I am totally, totally able to forgive you that very second of my life. Thank you. Thank you because you’ve proven me wrong. You were different from my father. You said it. And I was happy you humbled yourself. Thank you. It was such a big thing for me. Now, we are a closed book finally. And so our journey starts from different directions, different pathways, different experiences. Now, we both have different lives, and at last, the past is all in the loving hands of yesterday.