I was hurt. Big time. But… I’m moving on.
Before I even close the book of our story, maybe I can go back to the times I had you with me. Maybe for the last time, I can reminisce the good and the bad days we had, the struggles, all the fighting, all the moments we held hands together and overcame all odds, the experiences, the feelings, the times we looked in each others eyes and the memories I kept in my heart for so long… those memories that I’ll surely be keeping for the rest of my life.
I’ve known you a long time ago, way back 2003, highschool freshmen year. I was an ordinary classmate to you and you are to me. We talked less, never even had a good eye-to-eye contact, we were acquaintances maybe or talk-to-me-only-if-you-need-something-kind-of friends, nevertheless. 2004, you were a total enemy to me the whole school year. My attention’s with someone else but you manage to keep on getting my stare, a stare you can’t even dare to look back at, by stealing kisses, which was annoying and now I think it is cute. And eack kiss on the cheek was worth a slap on your face which you pay no attention to no matter how red your face turned out and you kept doing it everyday. 2005, the hardest part of having a bestfriend is knowing he has bestfriends other than you. I was talking to my guy bestfriend, who was one of your very close guy buddies, when suddenly, out of nowhere, came our classmate and called him “bestie”. What was that suppose to mean, right? And instead of making her wait, because we were talking, he jumped out of his seat and went over to her. So I was left mouth open. And then you came to me and said, “your bestfriend’s having another bestfriend. But I swear, I’ll be your only PARTNER.” You’ve seen me like I was begging for my bestfriend’s attention, since-when-I-never-knew, and there you are, my savior, you lifted me out of that distressing moment of my life. Then we became closer, the “bestfriend” thing. I gave you advises, you listened to me, you cried in front of me, you asked me for help when you needed someone the most, we made each other laugh, we were inseparable. 2006, our bond grew stronger. You got mad at me when I didn’t attended our outings and your special occasions, like when you joined singing competitions, because of my so strict mom. But I made it up to you so I could see you smile again. I know when your smile’s because of me, it reached your ears and eyes. You have a girl, and when you see me with some other guy you made me jealous, remember? For how many times, I don’t know. We fought about petty things, I’ve tried correcting your wrongdoings, you protected me, we’ve hurt each other’s feelings, I tried to get out from our strange closeness but I still find myself coming back to you.
And then the strangest feeling we could have for each other developed…
Let me cut it short because as I reminisce, while I am playing instrumental songs, it’s getting more and more difficult for me to continue. I would like to finish this now, so here I go….
I’ve waited a long time for me to get a feeling of having you beside me. We lived in distant worlds, you have a girl with you whom you loved so much but still, I waited. You were already living your own life and planning for a better future while I was left in the past. I can’t remember how many times I tried to tell you and tried to get your attention even though I knew you ignored me because you have a life of your own away from me, away from the past, away from what we once used to be. We communicated, you called me if you need someone to talk to, you asked me for my opinions, I gave you advises when you’re troubled, you said you missed me so much. And highschool was always the best part of one’s life so most of us kept in touch, planned for reunions which I never intended to attend… But you call me everytime. As your partner whom you’ve never seen for a long time (six months to us is a very long time) you called me to come, you wanted to see me, the reunion would be less meaningful to you without me. And so I would come and the spark returns immediately upon seeing each other in the eyes. Painful because I knew I’ll only have you for myself for a day. Difficult because I knew you were thinking about someone else when your quiet. We had that strange connection everyone saw. We kissed. We treated each other like we were the ones together in front of them and they tolerated us. We held hands, we sit together, we took care of each other… For a day. And everything, every dream, fell apart after those single days we had our moment together. I was your “mistress” for years, and I gladly accepted that because I loved you. Because I dreamt of having you with me. I dreamt of you loving me. I knew you loved me but we were simply not meant to be together… yet, I guess.
Then thanks to the good Lord above, He finally granted my prayers. After so much that happened with us separately, my time came to have you for myself. You told me you loved me and you were sorry you never grabbed the chance earlier to have me with you. At long last! You’re mine! My heart rejoiced. You’ve seen your future with me and together we planned for the following days. We had our ups and downs, we learned so much from each other, you’ve seen me at my worst and at my best, and I you. We’ve known each other deeper than just being partners. We’ve met difficulties but we stood strong, we’ve grown so much, we’ve matured enough to finally make things work and everytime we stood up together, we became unbreakable. It was fun, it was difficult at the same time. We’ve known each other for so long and my wait came to an end. And everyone thought we would finally end up together forever which we’ve seen ourselves.
And here came the most painful part, to leave you to pursue my dreams. We’ve struggled to make things work. Long distance was indeed tough. We loved each other so much. But… you realized you can’t go on with the sadness of not having me by your side, the pain of being alone. And I thought we were both strong. I was wrong. I thought I knew you, I was mistaken. I thought we’ve built a very good and indestructible foundation, it was an illusion. I thought we were both fighting, I just learned I was the only one fighting for us to make it work. Yeah, because I was the one who longed to have you in my life. I was the one who “begged” for attention and love from you. I was hurt. Big time. I was hurt knowing you couldn’t fight anymore and gave me up that easily. Eventually I got tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of waiting. Tired of everything. Tired of dreaming for us. Tired of so many years I wasted having this illusion that I could have you forever. I. Was. Wrong. God only granted my wish to be with you but you were not the one for me and so I think He made a way to get me out of your life and teach me the lesson I never wanted to learn in the first place.
Time heals all wounds. And so does distance. So both of them together, I know I could heal myself to be able to feel whole again. I know someday, when our path’s cross again, I will be able to smile to you as sweet as before my innocent heart fell for you. I hope you are in good condition. I wish wherever you are, you will do good things. I wish for your good health because you were more sickly than me. I wish I could have done something. I wish there is something I could do to bring back time and correct my mistakes. I wish I have a way to make it up again. I wish I have not hurt you so much that we ended up like this. It is a mistake blaming myself for what happened to us but it is the only way I can forgive and let go of all the things that hurt me so bad. It’s you I always think about. How you might feel, how you might react. I will always be the one overly concerned about you. But it’s time to move on. So I’ll gladly accept our fate as my mistake than yours. Like what I have told you before I finally let you go, I would repeat it over and over again, “I just wanted you to be happy, from then ’til now.”
My message was so short to summarize a 12-year journey with you. But you know me well. I know you know what I feel. And when sometime you come across this message, I hope you will remember your promise, that you’ll be my forever PARTNER. Forever and always. That last string of connection is the last strand I don’t want to be broken. I would like us to remain friends… When we meet again, I would like to see you happy.