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Senseless Thoughts

Drift into my paradise.

Month

August 2015

Inside Out

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Hoorah! I have finally watched Inside Out with a good friend at  Golden Village Cinema which is just our neighbor. So accessible! 🙂

You probably know what this movie is all about. Yeah, it’s all about your mind.

Short SUMMARY:

Joy, Sadness, Anger, Disgust and Fear are the main emotions in the movie who controls everything that Riley, the kid, is feeling, primarily led by Joy.

It turns out that all of them are doing their job well except for Sadness whom Joy doesn’t see useful in Riley’s everyday life.

Then here came a major change in Riley’s life. And inside her head, the five emotions were trying to put everything under control, they were planning very well, until Sadness butt in and there was chaos in Riley’s mind.

There. That ends my summary. I was just not so satisfied with the ending. But overall, it was fun animatedly traveling inside your mind and it was amazing! Another good work from Disney love. 😀

“Meet the little voices inside your head.”

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– K

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Lucid Dream

I woke up sobbing…

Last night, I had this vivid and very “realistic” dream, and I totally know I was just dreaming. Initially, I just watched things happen. And sometimes I try to control some things that I see happening. It’s so nice playing with your dream.

The dream was quite long, so I’ll jump to the real highlight of it. Familiar with Hunger Games right? Imagine the setting but modernized. We also have districts like them but in my dream it was called Grand. And our place was called Grand 30. While outside a canteen (which looks like a Hawker place), we noticed some men on horses and carriages coming. It felt like we are going to prepare for war (I can still feel that feeling like there is something wrong when someone arrives in our grand without notice). Fortunately, they were just visitors from a different grand. And, there, I see my ex-boyfriend on one of the carriages looking at me, smiling, he’s with a girl I do not know.

In my mind I was asking myself, what the hell is he doing here?! But I don’t know the answer myself so I just stood there and watched his carriage pass by me.

That same hour, I received a message on my phone. The message goes:

Haha rozel311807

I knew it was from him and immediately I thought it was his facebook password he’s giving me. But I never dared trying. My mouth fell open as I was trying to understand, why would he effin’ give me his password?!

I tried ignoring the message and my blood was starting to boil. A few minutes later, a video was sent to me, of course, by him.

His video… He was drawing on a big canvass, he was enhancing his talent, he was freakin’ drawing! (Yeah, I knew he had a talent for that but during the “us” days, he never drew again, not once). And my freakin’ mind’s telling me, is this what you want me to see? That you can do better with her than me?

Then you were sitting with a cup of Starbucks beside you and I heard you say, “she gives me everything I want,” while you continue drawing things on a sketch pad. I started to get mad. Why are you doing this?! I was so angry I wanted to cry. Why do you have to show me this?!

Then the video ended with all your drawings showing up one by one on my screen. I was thinking about replying and telling you how mad I am, I wanted to ask you if this is a sort of revenge, I wanted to tell you things I never said, like how I was hurt, how I wanted to turn things around and hoped we did not end this way, but it’s done… we’re done. So I controlled myself and thought, I won’t reply. I won’t make you feel you won the game, I won’t stoop down on your level, or your new girl’s level. I must hold myself together. I won’t break.

Before the video totally and finally finish itself, you looked at me straight in the eyes… that look…. Like I understood what you wanted to tell me but left it unspoken… She gives me everything, but I am incomplete without you.

Then, I woke up.. I woke up sobbing without tears and my emotions have already taken over me even when I was already awake.

Do you have any idea what my dream meant? This was so bothering. I feel every detail of emotion, every word, every look… it feels like it just happened in my reality. So vivid… So heartbreaking. Help me. What does my dream mean? 💔 😦

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– K

Tadhana (Destiny)

TADHANA
Up Dharma Down

Sa hindi inaaasahang
Pagtatagpo ng mga mundo
May minsan lang na nagdugtong,
Damang dama na ang ugong nito
‘Di pa ba sapat ang sakit at lahat
Na hinding hindi ko ipararanas sayo
Ibinubunyag ka ng iyong mata
Sumisigaw ng pag-sinta.

Ba’t di pa patulan
Ang pagsuyong nagkulang
Tayong umaasang
Hilaga’t kanluran
Ikaw ang hantungan
At bilang kanlungan mo
Ako ang sasagip sa’yo.

Saan nga ba patungo,
Nakayapak at nahihiwagaan
Ang bagyo ng tadhana ay
Dinadala ako sa init ng bisig mo.

Ba’t ‘di pa sabihin
Ang hindi mo maamin
Ipa-uubaya na lang ba ‘to sa hangin
huwag mong ikatakot
Ang bulong ng damdamin mo
Naririto ako at nakikinig sa’yo.

Hooohh… hoooohh…
Hooohh… hoooohh…
Hooohh… hoooohh…
________

It’s kinda difficult and time consuming to translate the song word by word but this song is about Destiny making a way for two people to be together while the first person is trying to convince the second person, who definitely feels the same way, to let it just be and conquer the fear because it was fate who brought them into each other’s arms.

OPM or Original Pinoy Music is so unique you would close your eyes when you hear one and would let it bring you to some place the song is leading you. Savour the lyrics, so soothing and “tagos sa puso”.

*Maybe I’ll try to update this post when I have already translated it nicely… when my mind’s ready. 🙂 *

– K

The Time Traveler’s Wife

During free time at work, I make sure I have a book pocketed with me so I won’t bore myself to death waiting for something to do. So here’s another book that caught my heart. I only watched the movie after I read the book which, to me, is a bad idea.

The Time Traveler’s Wife
By: Audrey Niffenegger

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Here’s the plot:
Clare Abshire, six, met Henry DeTamble, in his 40s, at the Meadow. Henry has a Chrono-Displacement disorder, a chromosomal problem, that allows him to time travel triggered by any kind of stress. Clare would leave clothes at the Meadow so when Henry comes, he has something to wear because unfortunately for him, he can’t carry anything with him when he time travels. They saw each other many times while Clare is growing up normally and she would encounter Henry in different ages.. until she turned 18, that was the last time he time travelled to see her before Clare, at 20, finally meets Henry, 28, who has no knowledge of what she was talking about them knowing each other since she was six.

This story talks about patience, love, and sacrifice. The pain of waiting, the pain of watching someone disappear just like that, the pain of seeing your loved ones die in front of you over and over again, the pain of knowing what will happen in the future, the pain of losing several lives because of that genetic disorder, and the pain of hopelessness while you watch things happen and can’t even do anything to twist what is destined to happen. Yet, they made it, they worked it out together because of their timeless love for each other.

To me, it felt like the past, the present and the future exist together all at once and happening in the most bizarre way wondering what K in the past is doing right now, or what K in the future looks like. Unbelievably captivating. Thumbs up to the author of the novel. 👍

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I miss home. PH! I’ll be seeing you soon. 💋

– K

ExploringSG: S’pore City Gallery

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Another Singapore FREE spot. Curious about how Singapore started? This is the right place to go and research how an ordinary “kampung” of Malaysia, which means village, turned into an independent and first world country.

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That picture above is Singapore 50 years ago and how it has become. During those early years, it has been an important port for the Malay Peninsula, and now, it is one of the most economically successful country and also one of the top 10 safest places in the world.

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This is where I currently stay in Singapore… Yishun! I was elated when I saw it, so tiny, so detailed, I felt like I was a giant!

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Lastly, the above architectural structure is the whole Singapore.I admire the patience of those who made it, everything was perfect! Actually, this is not the only one. They have three. Yes, three. The first one seems to be the skeleton of the buldings and highways and the places, not much detail and simple, like tiny Yishun’s picture. The second one is a more defined construction of everything, more facet added to it. The third one’s up there, colorful, very particular, and attractive. Cute, miniature Singapore.

Less one free tourist spots on my bucket list. More to go!

– K

Red

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I was off to work this morning, weather’s a bit gloomy, the sky is cloudy and dull. I went out from the house early, was actually waiting for sunrise (normally, sunrise here in Singapore is 7am) but then an unfriendly heaven greeted me. So as I was walking, I don’t actually know why I turned my head to the opposite direction and to my surprise, the sun was already out and glowing red (sorry, it doesn’t appear really red on the picture but my eyes don’t lie).

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My eyes grew wide, really wide and twinkling upon seeing it. I was happy I caught it in its uncommon look, and I also felt kinda scared because it is RED, and its roundness is very prominent it doesn’t hurt my eyes, kinda weird, I think. This is one subject my camera and my eyes love.

There, I just wanna tell you what happened this morning. Nothing fancy, only me overly loving the SUN.

– K

The Kite Runner

So this is actually the first book I’ll write about. And I would like to start writing now about something that really caught my heart.

The Kite Runner
By: Khaled Hosseini

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A good friend told me that this is a nice read. I saw the words Afghanistan, politics, history, and I was like, “I hate history and politics, will I be able to finish this book?” But then I realized I must give the book something called the benefit-of-the-doubt so I opened it. Then here came awe.

First page is always a bore to me. The next page started to catch my attention, which is really something to me because no book has ever made me alert on the second page. Later on, I didn’t realized I was already fixing myself on a good seat, focused, and unable to put the book down, continuously shifting pages.

Every about maybe 10 to 15 pages, I stop to breathe. Because as I get deeper in the book, my emotions fill up and I can’t take it. It feels like I am watching the events as they happen and I can’t do anything about it even if I badly wanted to twist the plot and change it to my own liking because I just can’t take it! (Out of words, haha) It feels like my heart’s gonna burst into pieces.

Anyway, that’s how I felt while reading this book. Too magnetic you can’t resist. This book showed me what unconditional love means. This changed the way how I see love, the definition coming out with every word spoken, with every action taken. It is a MUST-READ.

Here’s a very short Summary about the most significant characters:

Amir Khan was a son of a wealthy man whom he refers to as Baba Khan, they’re Pashtuns.
Hassan was the son of Baba’s servant, Hazara, an inferior race.

They spent their lives together kite fighting and kite running with the other kids. Baba Khan loved them both and soon Amir got jealous about Baba’s affection for Hassan, who’s just the son of their servant, while he was seen by his own father as a weakling.

Baba expected that Amir would win the year’s kite fighting competition, and he did. Hassan who was the best kite runner, run the last kite for him. Hassan encountered Assef, the bully, who left him beaten and raped. Amir saw the incident but was scared to interfere. Later on, he planted a watch and some money under Hassan’s mattress in hopes that his father would send him away so that his guilt won’t eat him up everytime he sees Hassan.

Though Baba believed that theft is the only sin in the world, he forgave Hassan, but he and his father left anyway. Amir was freed from the nightmares of the incident and his guilt, but he lived in the past’s shadow all his life.

“For you, a thousand times over…”

K

Never Gone

Tonight I hear nothing but silence,
My hair dances through the wind.
I closed my eyes.
I see you.

Tonight there’s nothing but darkness,
Memories flood my peaceful mind.
I opened my eyes.
I see you.

That messy hair
Those brown eyes.
A curve from your lips,
Clear all doubts.

Sweet embrace,
Soft hands,
Loving touch,
I’m enthralled.

Close to me, you speak
I listen and I’m weak
You held me tight
Now lost in delight

A kiss I longed
It’s here you belong
My heart is yours
I am open arms.

Flying in colors
Floating in paradise
Too much sensation
Overwhelming emotions.

A tear in my eye
Away you wipe
That sweet smile,
With joy I cry.

You were mine and I you.
Swore to not let go
With deepest love,
Our future assured.

One day, you held me loose
I grip you close
I held you tight
Still off you go.

You hovered away
I can’t catch up
I called your name
You turned your back.

I can’t move
Where my body stood.
My mind’s racing,
My heart’s dying.

Tears drown me
Fears eat me up alive
My reason to love
Far he’s gone now.

Smile, that’s your power
Smile, that’s my cover
One day if we see each other,
Smile, because it’s over.

Tonight it’s only stillness I devour,
Shadow of the past fades away.
I closed my eyes,
I see you.

Tonight I think I see a glimpse of light,
Memories go away one by one.
I opened my eyes.
I see you.

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K

To the Guy I am Willing to Forgive

Months have passed after the last sleepless night I had, after the last time my pillow became wet with tears, after the greatest pain I’ve ever endured, I can say that my life’s pretty much going straighter ahead, and better, aiming for my goal, looking forward.

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For almost three months, I focused on loving myself, loving my family more, my friends, my new life. For those months, I would probably don’t have to deny, that you were still a part of my mind, my heart, you know you will always be a part of me. Like a wind passing across my face, like a bolt of lightning striking an innocent tree, you come into me, into my silent mind, so sudden that I feel you were just close by. You mess with my solitude, you make my silence unbearable, you never let me rest because all the pain comes back. So I have to be stronger. I said this time, I have to fight my emotions back.

And I fought back. I was plotting how I would react when I see you, how I would deal with you, how I would inject sarcasm in every word I’ll throw at you… but I was never happy. I pondered every Sunday at mass, I listened to Him, up there, I prayed, I asked Him for some guidance. I told Him my deepest pleasure of seeing you in pain, and I weakly told Him my silent want for the anger to go away. I think, he knew what I really wanted. So week after week, I noticed my heart’s becoming light, I am happier, I don’t even know why. And so I talked to Him and said, “Hey, God, you know I would like to open my heart now. Help me forgive him.”

How easy was that to say. Do you remember how a man broke my heart? The man who I loved the most? The first man whom I thought saw me as his princess? The same man who broke my mother’s heart too? You remember how I cried, right? You remember how I wished he said sorry so I could totally forgive him? You remember how long years never healed me and I was still crying over the same pain I tried to cover up my whole life. Yeah, and you promised me you won’t hurt me the way he did… but you did. For those months that I’ve been trying to live again, you never said SORRY. But I was willing to forgive you anyway. Because I was hurt deeply once and I expected a sorry before but then I opened my heart. Now the mistake was repeated to me by you, I learned to lower my expectations and let the time pass and the wound heal.

This morning I woke up with your sister’s face on my Messenger bubble. I opened it while still trying to wake my dead mind.  After reading the lengthy message from you, yes from you (reaching me through your sister huh? Good idea), I smiled my natural and real smile, no pretensions. Not because the message was from you but because of the message itself. You said SORRY. I smiled because at long last I was freed! At long last I am totally, totally able to forgive you that very second of my life. Thank you. Thank you because you’ve proven me wrong. You were different from my father. You said it. And I was happy you humbled yourself. Thank you. It was such a big thing for me. Now, we are a closed book finally. And so our journey starts from different directions, different pathways, different experiences. Now, we both have different lives, and at last, the past is all in the loving hands of yesterday.

K

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