What has happened?
For months, I have been out of my real little world, trying to fit in to this crazy circle, trying to change who I really am… trying to be the opposite of how I knew myself to be and free myself from what I thought was prison… I was wrong.
I am an introvert trying to live an extrovert’s life and I thought I can. I thought my love for solitude was a lie which I have convinced myself to be true. But here I am… sitting alone on a bench… at the 50th floor of my block… staring at the moon and city lights… thinking… No. I won’t jump.
For the past weeks, I don’t feel like myself. I feel so detached and purposeless. I feel so down, short-tempered, and agitated. I was stressed, overfatigued, sad. One morning, I woke up and thought, “you are a waste of everything, useless and your life is pointless. Why are you even still breathing at this rate?” I carried a whole world of burden and fed my mind senseless ideas that wouldn’t even help me get out of this trap.
I know the answer as to why I have become like this… because I wasn’t who I was trying to be. What I thought was the prison, the cell that I left, was indeed my real home. And the world that I thought would be my home was a chaotic cage I will never, ever be able to understand and tolerate. I wasn’t ME.
So who am I, then? After all the adventures I did, why can’t I still find my purpose?
This is still a question I don’t have an answer to. I am at my most vulnerable. I have tried hard to fit in. I have lost most of the people I believed to be my friends. I am out of touch. I am LONELY. I am a single dot of darkness in a bright world.
And this… this is my escape. My words… my writings… This is the only thing that calms my soul and eases my pains. I miss solitude. I miss where I am supposed to be. I miss my unique world. I miss my little corner…
Thank you, Moon. For you have never left me during my troubled times…